Black Hat Hotel: A Villainous Place In Villainous Hell
by Slake Jericho
Summary: Ever wondered what would happen if the stars of Villainous ended up in Hell? Wonder no longer, as that's exactly what happens here! (I see there's another crossover on this site, but I haven't read it yet, so sorry if there's anything similar.) Rated T for now, we'll see how it goes.
1. Episode 1: The Demon In The Black Hat

"Good evening, minor felons, Black Hat here," Black Hat greeted the audience he knew would be watching...or else. "for more ways to utterly annihilate all do gooders the world has spewed out! Flug, show them!"

"Of course, Lord Black Hat, sir." Dr Flug said as he handed his master a pistol.

Black Hat glared at it before shooting the doctor a murderous gaze. (Haha, get it)

"WHAT IS THIS?" Black Hat growled.

"I-it's a gun…" Flug whimpered.

"I KNOW WHAT IT IS, WHAT IS IT DOING IN MY HAND!? THESE HARDLY EVEN WORK ON HEROES YOU DIMWIT!"

"IT'S NOT JUST A NORMAL GUN!" Flug screamed when Black Hat threatened him. "It's bullets are replaced with these darts that contain a certain serum, and it leaves anyone hit with it with their greatest fear for all eternity!"

"Interesting."

Black Hat grinned and turned to the camera, the cameraman's eyes widening when he realised what was about to happen. When he pulled the trigger, a dart shot out and dug into the cameraman's leg. The poor man started screaming in fear as the whole world turned into more Black Hats, while the real Black Hat laughed.

"Of course!" he smirked, unsurprised. "I'm everyone's greatest fear! This is perfect, make more!"

He stopped laughing when he realised that the cameraman wasn't screaming anymore.

"FLUG! WHY CAN'T I HEAR HIS SCREECHES!?" Black Hat asked angrily.

"It's j-just a prototype, master Black Hat!" Dr Flug explained, getting more nervous as Black Hat grew bigger to tower over him. "I need to make m-more of the serum, it uses up a lot to have it last an eternity..."

"THEN MAKE MORE BEFORE I SHOOT YOU!" Black Hat demanded.

"YES SIR!" Flug responded quickly.

Flug left immediately, and the cameraman rolled on the ground, sucking his thumb. As soon as Black Hat turned to look out of his window, a portal appeared under the cameraman and he fell through, too traumatised to scream. Three silhouettes peeked their heads out of the portal, their red eyes locked onto Black Hat, who didn't seem to notice. One of the silhouettes pulled out a sniper with dire intentions, aiming at the back of the villain's head. Not long after, the trigger was pulled. BANG! And that was the end of Back Hat…

...Or, it might've been, had the bullet not have stopped in midair. The silhouettes' eyes widened.

"What the?" said a confused Moxxie.

There was no voodoo involved with the bullet stopping. Black Hat didn't even have a forcefield around him. The bullet had stopped and it was shaking in fear! Black Hat's head did a full 180 turn to face the imps before his body did the same soon after.

"WHO DARES TO TRY AND ASSASSINATE ME IN MY OWN HOME!?" Black Hat hissed.

The bullet let out a scared squeal before shooting into another direction. The imps stared at him for a while, when Blitzo (the o is silent) opened his mouth.

"It was his idea." Blitzo said, pointing at Moxxie.

"HEY!" Moxxie shouted.

"YOU suggested we shoot him!" Millie told Blitzo.

"And he suggested we use a sniper rifle, so I'd say that's a fair amount of idea for us." Blitzo continued.

"Well I wasn't informed our target was going to be an IMMORTAL GOD!" Moxxie yelled.

"You should always be prepared for anything!" Blitzo explained.

"Target?" Black Hat growled, his eyes narrowing. "Who sent you!?"

"That's personal information," Blitzo responded, grabbing a knife. "Hell may be a horrible place, but we wouldn't stoop as low as being a snitch!"

"Yet murder's fine." Moxxie sighed sarcastically.

"...Hell?" Black Hat asked, now more intrigued than angry. "So you're from Hell, are you?"

"Too many questions!" Millie shouted, holding a club.

"Kill him!" Blitzo ordered.

And with that, the imps leaped out of the portal towards Black Hat, who looked unintimidated, simply teleporting out of the way before they hit him. As soon as the assassins got up, they charged again, and Black Hat wore an evil grin when their weapons suddenly melted. Luckily, Moxxie still had a pistol, and whipped it out to shoot at his target. However, the bullet was transported to another dimension. Blitzo, Millie and Moxxie tried multiple times to kill Black Hat, but he just had something up his sleeve for everything. Eventually he'd had enough, and gave them a cold stare.

"ENOUGH."

His eyes flashed white, and the three imps slowly started turning to stone from their feet up. It wasn't slow because Black Hat's petrification had limits, he just decided to watch his victims suffer this time. And suffer they did, as they frantically tried to get themselves free from the stone, to no avail.

"Moxxie!" Millie cried, trying to reach out to her husband.

"Millie!" Moxxie did the same.

Their hands touched and they pulled themselves towards each other, and knowing their fate was inescapable, embraced for one last time...until Blitzo, being Blitzo, decided to interrupt their moment by sticking his head in between them to hug as well.

"I've always loved you guys." Blitzo said.

"GOD DAMN IT!" Moxxie shouted, going to punch his boss before his arm turned to stone.

That's when Black Hat noticed a spellbook in Blitzo's grip, and with a wave of his hand the petrification stopped, leaving only their heads free. Not bothering to try and wrestle a book out of a statue's grasp, he teleported it into his hand.

"And now he has our book." Blitzo sighed. "You see, Moxxie, when I'm nice to you and let you choose how this goes down, this happens. Why can't you just be like Millie next time and get the job done?"

"NEXT TIME?" Moxxie yelled, getting increasingly frustrated. "DOES OUR SITUATION LOOK LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE A NEXT TIME!"

"SHUT IT!" Black Hat screeched, causing them all to instantly shut up while he read the spellbook.

Not a second later, Demencia smashed through the door, looking hungry. She instantly caught sight of the imps.

"Dinner!" she pounced towards them.

"Wait." Black Hat ordered, as Demencia was stopped in midair, a couple centimetres away from mauling the lesser demons.

Black Hat turned around without moving as if he was floating, glaring at the assassins.

"The book." Black Hat snarled. "How does it work."

"Don't talk to us like we're going to tell you anything!" Millie snapped.

"Damn right!" Moxxie lashed out. "If you want information, you can piss right off!"

"Very well." Black Hat narrowed his eyes. "FLUG!"

5.0.5 and Flug entered immediately, looking in shock at the statues while Black Hat turned away without a care.

"You're late." Black Hat hissed.

"But I was here first, just for you!" Demencia beamed sweetly, if your idea of sweet included being inches away from ripping a happily married couple and their boss to pieces.

"Sorry, Lord Black Hat," Dr Flug apologized. "I was just working on making the serum. What happened here?"

"When I call you, it's because I want something, not because I want you to ask me questions!" his master interrupted, throwing the book at Flug, who caught it right before it whacked him in the face. "Figure this out."

The scientist stared at the book for a couple of seconds.

"Oh, I've seen this before!" Flug said. "This is an artifact from Hell. Where'd you find this?"

"These assassins sent to kill me." Black Hat answered. "Nobody would dare to fight me without an order, so a pitiful superhero probably wanted revenge and hired them."

"A superhero in Hell?" The doctor wondered. "Sunblast maybe? He was a douche."

While they talked, Demencia (still stuck in midair) reached her hand out to try and grab Blitzo, who moved his head away just in time.

"I don't care, it was a far more mediocre battle than I thought it would be." the villain said, as if any battle against him would be fair. "Just figure it out!"

"Right!" Flug replied quickly. "Apologies, it's been a while since I've performed demonic magic arts."

A moment later, he used the book to open a portal, scaring the crap out of 5.0.5. They all looked into the portal, seeing the carnage that was Hell.

"So this is how you ended up here?" Black Hat asked. "A portal to Hell. That reminds me, I've got a little errand to run…"

Not needing the imps anymore, Black Hat allowed Demencia to continue moving. However, she was more interested in the portal, and decided to just slap them away.

"Are we going in?" Dr Flug asked, deep down hoping Black Hat said no.

"WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT!?" Black Hat yelled. "It's been a whole millennia since I've visited the underground, of course we're going in!"

"I'm going on a trip with Black Hat?" Demencia asked with hearts in her eyes.

"Fine, I'll go pack my bags." Flug sighed.

Before he could leave, Black Hat teleported in front of him, transforming his face into a hideous monster before roaring. All three of his underlings screamed in fear and fell into the portal, as Black Hat's face turned to normal.

"Priceless as always!" Black Hat laughed to himself before walking over the portal and slowly descending.

The portal closed, and the imps were left in silence.

"...Wait, what about us!?" Blitzo called.

Meanwhile, down in the deepest depths of Hell was a hotel, ran by the Princess of Hell, and daughter of Lucifer, Charlie Magne. She stared out of a window, hoping at least one demon would willingly step forward to be redeemed. (besides, of course, Angel Dust) But unfortunately, knowing how many jackoffs and dickwads were down here, that wouldn't happen anytime soon. Angel was laying on the couch, two of his four arms - six including the retractable ones - behind his head.

"Charlie, listen," the pornstar said. "I don't mean to sound like an ass, but maybe we should try alternative ways of getting guests instead of 'wait and hope for the best!'"

Vaggie was stood on the opposite side of the room. "Have you got any other ideas?"

"Well, if it were my place, I would invite some dudes in for a blowjob," Angel explained. "Then I'd lock them up, torture them and never let them leave until I'm 100% sure they've changed."

"...What." Vaggie asked, dumbfounded.

"Come on, where's your optimism?" Charlie asked, honestly not feeling that confident either. "Keep your hopes high and we'll get lucky eventually."

"You'll need to try harder than that if you want anyone else involved." Angel explained. "Yo Husk, throw me some booze!"

The bartender did just that, and Angel caught it out of the air.

"Thanks." Angel grinned, clicking his three free hand's fingers and pointing at Husk.

"Just know that I was trying to hit you." Husk told him.

"Oh, you can hit this naughty boy all you like…" Angel said in a sexy voice. "But you'll need to tie me up first…"

"You're supposed to be going clean," Vaggie reminded him. "That means going drink free!"

"Relax, it's just one drink, I know when to stop!" Angel insisted before putting the sexy voice back on. "Just tell me the safe word…"

Vaggie facepalmed while Charlie sighed and looked back out of the window. That's when something orange in the sky caught her attention. Three non-demonic looking figures fell out, a 100% demonic looking figure following afterwards.

"What…?' she raised an eyebrow.

Those figures were of course the villains, as the focus shifted back to them. After falling through the sky, Demencia landed on all floors before flipping to her feet, while Black Hat simply landed feet first. Flug, however, landed face first onto the stone ground, looking like he was in serious pain. He tried to get to his feet, but 5.0.5 landed on his back as he screamed in pain.

"I just got that fixed last week!" Flug winced.

5.0.5 panicked and quickly got off of the doctor, while Demencia just laughed at him.

"Oh suck it up, Flug, this is the toughest place you'll get the pleasure of being in!" Demencia sneered.

Black Hat looked around, taking it all in.

"Ah Hell, a thousand years later and it's still the same old shithole it's always been." Black Hat smirked, baring his razor sharp teeth. "This foul, decaying smell brings back so many memories."

"Incredible! There's a whole society down here!" Flug proclaimed, watching the demons live their new eternal 'lives.' "I've heard about many versions of Hell, but I never thought it would be like this!"

"Yeah, it's cool, I guess." Demencia yawned, seeing much scarier things 24/7 ala el jefe himself.

"The only thing I don't understand is why nobody's running for their lives." the doctor continued. "Don't they know what's standing right in front of them?"

"Oh, they will." Black Hat stated. His neck twirled creepily, bones heard snapping - not that he'd be affected by any pain - before it stopped to face a news station, while 5.0.5 had to hold in vomit after witnessing that.

Charlie was trying to figure out what the Hell (hahaha, hahahaha) she just saw fall out of the sky when the TV suddenly turned on. Vaggie looked puzzled as 666 news turned on.

"Charlie?" she called.

"Yeah?"

"Did you get a TV?"

"...No?" Charlie sounded uneasy as she came to check it out.

"Good evening, I'm Katie Killjoy!" welcomed Little Miss Bitch.

"And I'm Tom Trench!" Mr Not So Much But Most Likely Also A Bitch did the same.

"And today we make history, as for the first time we have an interesting story to talk about!" Katie continued, her neck snapping sickeningly as she moved.

"It came from above, it's Earth's very own villain of all villains!"

"The one they call Lord Black Hat is visiting Hell right at this moment!"

"WHAT!?" Vaggie gasped.

Angel Dust comically spat out his drink over everyone. "Wait, Black Hat!?" he asked. "He's here?"

"That's right, and if you're not trembling right now…" both of the newspersons' faces started morphing into Black Hat's, before they came together to become one. "Then stay tuned for more action coming up next!"

Stormy clouds covered the sky, blinding lightning crackled and thunder roared as the sky switched from red to a spooky green. An urge began overcoming the residents of Hell, like gravity was fighting against them. Everybody was getting affected except for Charlie.

"Vaggie?" Charlie asked nervously.

Despite their best attempts of getting back up, everyone was forced to the ground and started bowing. Black Hat slowly stood up and floated off screen, but somehow ended up emerging from behind the TV. He chuckled before stopping in front of Charlie.

"Charlotte…" he bent over towards her with a fiendish look on his face. "So I finally meet you in person…"

"Do I...know you?" the princess looked understandably uncomfortable and took a step away from him.

"Oh, where are my manners?" with a wave of his hand, Black Hat spawned his Black Hat Inc business card and quite forcibly handed it to her. "Black Hat, it's a pleasure, your father tells me a lot about you."

"You know my dad." she was doubtful, but it wouldn't surprise Charlie if the King of Hell told creeps like this about her.

"Of course!" Black Hat walked up to a portrait of Lucifer, copying his smile. "Where do you think he gets his good looks from?"

"Right...and what are you doing here?"

"Good question, very good question." Black Hat replied. "To celebrate my return to Hell, I'm going to be sharing my…" he paused for a moment, like he was regretting his next line. "Kindness...by obliging with a favour your father asked me to do."

Charlie put two and two together and realised what he was going to say next. "Wait, you want to lend a hand with-"

"The hotel, yes! Clever girl…" Black Hat shook Charlie's hand before walking away, revealing that it was actually cut off. She quickly dropped the hand as it melted into the ground, reforming back on Black Hat's arm. "After all, this place needs a wicked touch!"

Black Hat snapped his fingers and everyone stopped bowing. As soon as she was free from Black Hat's control, Vaggie grabbed her spear and ran up to the beast.

"You little bitch!" she threatened the 'little bitch' who was actually a pretty damn tall bitch. "I know exactly who you are, and as long as I'm here, you're not performing any of your unholy schemes!"

"It's a little late for unholiness isn't it, mi señora? (my lady)" he laughed at her attempt to be intimidating. "You wouldn't want Lucifer knowing his daughter's co-worker was denying her of an upgraded business, now would you?"

"I couldn't care less if you're on a mission from God, one wrong move and you're suffering down here with us forever!" she warned.

"IF YOU THINK I FEAR YOU..." Black Hat suddenly stepped forward, causing Vaggie to stumble back in shock. "Then I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken!"

He continued walking to faze through Vaggie, sending shivers down her spine.

"Now talk to me when you're in a better mood."

"Puta madre…(Motherfucker…)" Vaggie grumbled, crossing her arms.

She took a quick glance at her spear, yelping when she realised it had turned into a snake, which hissed until Vaggie threw it away. Before it hit the ground, Black Hat turned the snake back into Demencia, who laughed like a maniac.

"You got told!" Demencia mocked her. "Doc, bear, get your butts in here!"

Flug and 5.0.5 entered through the front door, looking more nervous than the other two.

"Um...hello, Miss Princess Of Hell," they shook hands. "I'm Dr Flug Slys. This big guy's 5.0.5." the bear waved at her.

"Call me Charlie." she waved back, 5.0.5 looking touched that his love and affection was returned for once.

"Will do…" he checked to make sure Black Hat wasn't listening. "Sorry about this all coming together so quickly, Lord Black Hat's pretty ruthless when he puts his mind to something."

"It's fine!" Charlie reassured. "Believe me, I've dealt with worse."

"Oh, you have no idea…" Flug whispered under his breath.

"HELLO!" Niffty came out of nowhere, surprising everyone but Black Hat. "My name's Niffty, will any of you be my friend?" before 5.0.5 could answer Niffty gasped when she saw the mess Angel had spat out, instantly running over to dry it up. Demencia's eyes sparkled and her mouth drooled when she saw her. "Who did this!? I'm sorry, I'll get back to you in a moment, I need to deal with someth-AH-" were Niffty's last words before Demencia's tongue wrapped around her and she swallowed her whole.

Everyone stared at Demencia wide eyed, but she didn't seem to give a damn and just shrugged.

"What?" she wore a shit-eating grin.

"Demencia! Spit her out right now!" Flug demanded, like that would do anything. This was met with a laugh from Demencia, who decided to run away when Flug chased her. "DEMENCIA!"

"Son of a!" Vaggie ran over to pounce on Demencia.

Meanwhile, Black Hat had an expression that proved he was enjoying every second of this. Charlie cautiously approached him.

"So what plans do you have for the hotel?"

"I'm glad you asked, Charlie dear," Black Hat's face disappeared from the front of his head, showing up on the side of his head to face Charlie, leaving her with a disturbed look. "First of all, a makeover is imminent. I mean, look at this place, good God!"

"Yeah, this place does need some tidying." Charlie admitted.

In the background, Vaggie pried open Demencia's mouth while Flug tried to pull Niffty out.

"Speaking of which, let's sort that out right now!" Black Hat said as he twirled his hands around, sparking dark particles everywhere that began to change the hotel's appearance.

The walls were magically painted with eye-catching colour and shattered windows were repaired in a matter of seconds. (which was surprising since Black Hat was doing this) Everyone watched in astonishment as the rundown interior was reborn into a fresh new look. There would be a song here, but this is a story and you wouldn't know how it'd go. Just use your imagination. For the final touch, Black Hat altered the exterior, ending with the Hazbin Hotel sign turning into "The Black Hat Hotel!" It was like a special episode of 60 Minute Makeover set in Mortal Kombat's Netherrealm.

"Go and check out what I've done with the place." Black Hat urged them.

"OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!" Charlie yelled excitedly as she ran out of the door, already pleased at the interior and realising that maybe this new guy has good intentions after all.

Flug, on the other hand, was more concerned at this new Black Hat, keeping a close eye on him as he walked out. Once everyone had left, Black Hat's eyes rolled to the back of his head, stopping to stare at Angel Dust, who was sat back on the chair. He hadn't said a word since Black Hat entered, but he somehow wasn't paralyzed out of fear, he looked more like he couldn't give a crap about anything going on right now.

"You're not going to join them?" he talked slowly and eerily.

"I wanna stay here with you, ya hunk of sexiness."

Black Hat gave him a blank look.

"Alright look, I know who you are." Angel confessed. "Before you became famous."

"And how do you know that?"

"Eh, word gets around."

"Word gets around, hm? What do you know?" Black Hat asked impatiently, coming a little too close to Angel.

"I know you were active while I was still alive." he stood up to stare Black Hat in the eyes. "You were this big shot Mexican mobster in the nineties and you ruled the underground criminal world. My pop went to war with you multiple times."

"I went to war with thousands of kingpins," Black Hat confirmed. "But no battle was noteworthy, your father's just another bug in the flytrap."

"Insult him all you want, he was a bigger piece of shit up there than I am down here."

Black Hat shockingly looked impressed. "I like you, you've got balls."

"And I like you too, let me feel if you've got any." now Angel decided to screw around, trying to grab Black Hat.

But Black Hat grabbed his hand and pulled it away. "I can fuck you up in many different ways." he warned.

"And I can fuck you more times than you can imagine." Angel's third arm wrapped around Black Hat's waist, while the other two pulled the villain's head closer for a kiss. "Want me to prove it, sugar?"

Unamused, Black Hat clenched his fist, crushing Angel's hand.

"Oh!" Angel exclaimed, now proving he had no fear. "Bad Angie deserves a spanking! Care to take up the role of pappy?"

Black Hat yelled profanity in disgust, shoving Angel away back into the sofa. He didn't seem to be affected though.

"Now while my father was a dick," Angie continued. "I had a lot of friends up there. You killed every single one of them."

"I see you're going to be a problem." Black Hat huffed. "You'd better not cause me any trouble in the future. You answer to me, and I won't hesitate to destroy you if you piss me off."

And yet, Angel kept up with the jokes. "If you mean you're going to destroy me in bed, be my guest!" he chuckled. "No but for real, I have a serious grudge against you, so unless you're paying me for sex I'm not doing jackshit."

"Rebellious. You would've done great in my business if you weren't such a drug addicted whore."

"At least I got some peace and quiet down here."

"Enjoy it while it lasts."

Tension filled the air as they glared at each other, fire appearing in Black Hat's eyes.

"I'll be watching you…" Black Hat growled before he disappeared into a puff of black smoke.

"Join the party!" Angel laughed one last time as he turned to some stalkers looking at him through a window. They dispersed when he saw them. "What a joke."

The smoke disappeared through the door, as Black Hat thought to himself. "This is going to be a challenge…good. I didn't want this to be too easy."

The smoke appeared in front of the others before turning back into Black Hat, who was trying to erase what happened seconds ago from his memory.

"Is it to your liking?"

"It's amazing!" Charlie giggled with glee. "The place has never looked this good!"

"Black Hat Hotel…" Vaggie read. "You're acting like this was all your idea."

"I do one good deed and this is how I'm treated?" Black Hat asked, offended.

"Come on, Vaggie, let's give him a chance." Charlie pleaded.

"Charlie, he is a sick, twisted monster worse than anything down here could ever wish to be, how can you trust him?"

"This is the chance we've been waiting for, we can make this work!"

"I…I don't know…"

"Believe me." Charlie put a hand on Vaggie's shoulder. "We're making it through this."

Vaggie stared at her before closing her eyes and muttering to herself. "Me arrepentiré de esto... (I'm gonna regret this...) Fine, let's do this."

"Yes!" Charlie cheered, fist pumping.

Seeing Charlie happy made Vaggie happy, but she still felt off about this, especially when she saw Black Hat smiling at them from a distance. Charlie then grabbed everyone near her for a group hug. When Demencia tried to slip out of her grasp, 5.0.5 hugged too, squishing everyone together.

"Too tight!" Flug whimpered.

Black Hat was still watching them, before eventually turning his attention back to the hotel, grinning at the "Black Hat Hotel!" sign.

"Step one: complete…" he said ominously. "It's all coming together nicely."


	2. Episode 2: A Pretentious Guest

Black Hat had replaced the dirty sofa with a long, royal table, which was where everyone sat around. Black Hat of course had the biggest, most important looking chair, while Charlie was sat on the second biggest, second most important looking one. Nevertheless, she was the most excited one there, bobbing up and down on her seat. The only other one happy to be there was 5.0.5, but that was quickly stopped when Black Hat hissed at him, making him slink back in fear. Vaggie had her face in her palms, muttering to herself.

"We're doing this, I can't believe we're actually doing this." she groaned. "We open a hotel in Hell with good intentions and now we've got the most repulsive animal taking over and sitting at the same table as us."

"I know, isn't he dreamy?" Demencia piped in, as Vaggie rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you say."

"Alright, I think we all got off on the wrong foot earlier," Charlie recalled. "Some of us were called names, spears were pointed in people's faces and others were eaten, but how about we have a new, civilized start and introduce ourselves? My name's Charlie, I'm the owner of this hotel, and my goal is to give guests the greatest experience and rehabilitate them so they can enter Heaven merrily as can be!"

"Is that even possible?" Flug asked.

"Sure it is!" Charlie reassured. "Anything's possible when you put your mind to it! Who wants to go next?"

"I'm Husk and I hate all of you."

"...Okay…" Charlie paused. "Maybe a little less of the gloominess and it'll be perfect!"

"Okay!" Husk pounced on top of the table and put on a stupid voice."I'm Husk! I'm full of clouds and rainbows, I love everyone and everything and my favourite colour is happiness! Go fuck yourself."

Upon hearing that, Vaggie tossed her chair into Husk's face.

"Everyone's still in a bit of a bad mood…" mumbled, turning around to think to herself. "Oh, I know! Maybe you're all just hungry!"

"Damn right I'm hungry!" Demencia grinned while staring at Niffty.

"No!" Charlie yelled. "No eating each other, please…"

"I'll go and get that food!" Niffty smiled, zipping away before anyone blinked. (except for Black Hat, for obvious reasons.)

"And while we wait, let's strike up an interesting conversation!" Charlie suggested. "Mr Black Hat, you seem to have quite the reputation, what do you do?"

"Slaughter billions and destroy worlds." Black Hat explained, smirking to reveal his fangs.

At that, Charlie sat back in her seat, deciding to just shut up now. Meanwhile, Angel Dust was chilling outside of the hotel and took a deep breath.

"Ahhh, another day in Hell, with not so great sights and murder all around." he sighed. "What better to go with this than some HARD FUCKING DRUGS!"

He instantly smoked a joint full of the drug with the same name. That's when the door shot open, surprising Angel and making him drop his drugs. Niffty skipped out shortly after.

"Hi Angel!" Niffty said sweetly.

"Oh, hey Niffty." Angel looked at the waste of good phencyclidine on the floor. "What're you doing?"

"Making dinner!" she had a hint of ferociousness in her voice.

"Out here?" Angel was confused, but then again, the last thing he was expecting in Hell was a whole five star buffet.

"Yes!"

"...Alrighty then, you do you." Niffty resumed skipping while Angie got to his knees and sweeped the angel dust into his hands. "Not literally…" the sexy voice came on once again. "Unless you're into that stuff."

His hairs stood on end when an ear piercing squeal was heard. He ran over to check what it was, gasping when he saw Niffty with a knife, about to stab a turned over pig in the heart.

"FAT NUGGETS!" Angel Dust screamed.

Angel leapt forwards and pulled the pig away from Niffty. He sat down and caressed it.

"Don't worry, Fat Nuggets, I won't let the bad lady touch you…" he whispered into the animal's ear before turning to Niffty angrily. "The fuck were you doing?"

"Making bacon." Niffty grinned her sharp toothed grin.

"YOU WERE GONNA KILL MY PIG AND JUST TAKE THE BACON!?" Angel sounded pissed. "You could've at least said you were gonna eat the whole thing!"

"That's yours?"

"He's the only responsibility I have left down here!" he continued petting the plump piggy pupper. "Jesus Christ, you almost took that away from me in the blink of an eye!"

"Sorry."

Angie sighed. "It's okay, why don't you just find something else?"

"What else is there apart from popsicles?"

"HAHA! Fear me, cowards!" came a voice from above.

Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's just a zeppelin, ridden by none other than Sir Pentious. Angel turned to Niffty with a smug expression.

"I think I've got an idea."

In the zeppelin, Pentious was laughing his ass off, taunting the sinners below.

"Make way for the true soon to be ruler of Hell!" he yelled before looking at his egg bois. "What do you think of my new invention? Is it up to my threatening message ssstandards?" it was a megaphone, he didn't invent it, he didn't even make it himself. He just found it on the floor.

"Wow, Mr Boss Man, that invention sure is swell!" one of the egg bois cheered.

"Yes, it's very swell!"

"If I rated it from one to ten I'd rate it swell!" look, they have crap compliments, okay?

"Okay, be quiet now, I'm preparing for my evil speech." Pentious ordered, not noticing a figure pounce onto the blimp. "Day after day we attempt to take over the damned lands, but every time our plans are thwarted! With the help of my brand new invention, my message shall be heard, and Hell shall be mine! All shall bow at my feet!" he looked down at his missing feet. "Uh-all shall bow at my tail, and I will get the respect I deserve! These fools will never hear the end of how they disrespected me! THEY WILL ALL PLAY, SIR PENTIOUS WILL PREVAIL! ALL HAIL!"

"SIEG HEIL!" the egg bois yelled.

"NO NO NO, DON'T SAY THAT!"

Pentious heard a loud yawn, seeing Angel Dust leaning on a couple egg bois.

"If you're gonna be our ruler and have sucky speeches like that, I might as well kill myself now." his weight crushed the eggs, splattering their yolk everywhere.

"HOW DID YOU GET IN!?" Sir Pentious asked, surprised.

"I have my ways." Angel twirled a gun around his finger before pointing it at the snake. "Now hand over your unhatched younglings."

"Absssolutely not!" Pentious crossed his arms. "Nobody kidnaps them but me! Kill him!"

"Guess I'll just take them myself." the gun's new target was the hoard of minions approaching him.

He opened fire, slaughtering groups of egg bois with ease. Wanting to switch it up a bit, he took a bat, and used it to whack one of the eggs, sending them into others.

"Useless, useless, useless, useless, useless!" Sir Pentious shouted, watching them get massacred. "You dare force me to use this?"

He laughed like an asylum patient when he pointed the invention at Angel.

"COWER IN FEAR AND PREPARE TO PERISH!" he hissed before yelling into it. "FUCK YOU!"

They stared at each other for a while. It was pretty awkward moment as Angel slowly raised an eyebrow.

"I enjoy staring into your eyes, pudding, but I'll fuck you later."

"GAH! This blasted thing barely makes anything louder!" Pentious noticed. "It was supposed to shred you to pieces from volume alone!"

While the serpent rambled on, Angel pointed his gun at the megaphone, destroying it with a single bullet.

"My invention!"

"It's a megaphone, dumbass." Angel picked up the remains of some of the eggs. "Well this was fun, but I should get going."

"Oh no you don't!" Pentious' tail stretched out to Angel, who was whistling on his way out.

Before he could leave the zeppelin, Sir Pentious's tail wrapped around his neck and pulled him back. He held Angel close enough so they were face to face.

"Now, what to do with you…" Pentious pondered.

"Bust a nut?" Angel offered.

"No thanks, I'm not very fond of nuts." the snake responded, shaking his head.

"Come on, it's easy! I'll show you how it's done!" Angie revealed that he had a panicking egg boi in his hand. "You just go like this!"

He splattered the egg boi into Pentious's face like a cartoon character getting hit in the face with a cream pie, flipping over to kick himself out of the tail's grasp. The force of the kick sent Pentious tumbling over, the yolk slowly sliding down the emotionless, 'I'm done with this shit' look on his face. Angel Dust - who would've let himself be strangled longer, but he had places to be - strutted up to him.

"Gotta hand it to ya," Angel booped his snoot. "You were a Planck more intimidating this time. Try any harder and you might actually be respected." he then proceeded to kiss the snoot before walking away. "See you later, honeykins."

With six arms full of egg bois, he smashed the zeppelin's window and flipped Pentious off before jumping out. Down at the bottom, Niffty clapped her hands as Angel Dust descended upside down on a web like he was Spider-Man.

"That'sss it!" Sir Pentious hissed. "That is it! I've had enough of that nuisssance's tomfoolery! Time to pull out the big guns…"

He ended up picking up a giant cannon that looked like the fucking BFG-9000.

"LITERALLY!" he shouted before going into another laughing fit.

His sights were set to destroy Angel Dust once and for all, whether it was for killing almost all of his precious protein babies or just because he was an annoying asshole, he had all the reasons in the underworld to go through with it. HOW DOES A VILLAIN WITH A WEAPON OF THIS CALIBRE MAKE HIS PRESENCE KNOWN!?

A second later, Sir Pentious was on the ground, politely knocking on the hotel's door.

"Who knocks!?" boomed a demanding voice from the other side.

"It is I, Sir Pentious!" Sir Pentious said proudly. "I'm sure you've heard of me…"

"No."

Though he was already physically dead, Pentious died a little on the inside as well.

"How...dare you!?" he shouted, offended. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?"

"No." if Pentious's soul hadn't left its body yet, it definitely had now.

"IF YOU DON'T OPEN THISSS DOOR RIGHT NOW…" he pulled out the cannon. "I'M BLOWING MY WAY THROUGH THIS HOTEL!"

"Don't you try to break my record!" Angel Dust called.

Now knowing for sure that his target was inside, Pentious charged up the BFG lookalike and laughed.

"You put this upon yourself! NOW DIE! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The door opened by itself, and Black Hat was stood on the opposite side, his arms behind his back with an unintimidated look on his face. Upon seeing him, Sir Pentious's heart stopped and his eyes widened. Now fully charged, the cannon fired a ball of plasma on its own, but Black Hat just absorbed it. A portal opened above Pentious's zeppelin and the ball shot out, blowing it up.

"B-B...B...B-B-B…" the snake stuttered, his voice getting higher and more scared by the second. "Black Hat?"

"Ah, you're THAT Pentious…" now knowing who this guy was, Black Hat sounded more pissed, but he grew a slasher-like smile and spoke through gritted teeth. "It's good to see you again…"

Pentious gulped before laughing nervously. "O-oh dear, look at the t-time, I'm late for my-uh, ah, my m-meeting! Wouldn't want to keep the o-others waiting!"

He tried to flee, slithering as fast as his big snake body could slither, but Black Hat used some telekinesis to grab him by the tail and drag him back. Pentious landed in a bowing position as he gulped and looked up at the villain, whose smile was now upturned.

"Black Hat! My, my, have you gotten t-taller?" if Pentious had boots, he'd be shaking in them.

"So this is where you disappeared to…" Black Hat slowly shook his head in disappointed frustration. "Years of my time wasted training you to become one of the most prestigious villains of all time...one day later you're dead and you turn into a giant worm!? DO YOU THINK MY BUSINESS IS A JOKE!?"

"N-NO, LORD BLACK HAT!" Pentious wanted everyone to know his name, but right now he was wishing Black Hat had forgotten all about him. "Your business is responsible for the creation of my grand zeppelin! I'm well and t-truly grateful for that!"

"You mean the zeppelin you stole from me!?"

Pentious gulped again, this time swallowing much more, and slowly raised a finger. "Ssstole? I wouldn't sssteal anything from you, Lord Black Hat, sssir-" he lied.

Once Sir Pentious's tongue came out, Black Hat grabbed it and forced him closer, making him scream in pain and fear.

"MY ZEPPELIN THAT YOU TOOK A CENTURY AGO!" Black Hat snapped the snake's head to the direction of the rubble, somehow not killing him. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he started growing. "THE ONE YOU RAN OFF WITH BEFORE YOU ROTTED DOWN HERE! YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T NOTICE, REPTILE!? YOU DARE SPOUT FALSEHOOD IN THE MIDST OF MY PRESENCE!?"

"I b-b-built it myself!" Pentious tried to say, whimpering.

"WITH MY MATERIALS!" Black Hat roared, making Pentious crap his pants. (if he wore any)

"I'LL PAY YOU BACK, I'LL PAY YOU BACK, I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Pentious begged, revealing his true colours of being not that fierce a villain after all.

"Declining wasn't an option in the first place!" he released the snake's tongue, letting it flop to the floor, now stretched out. "You'd better be swift about it. You know I don't like waiting…"

Pentious nodded, knowing his place. "Yes, Master Black Hat, sir, b-but you destroyed my-" he instantly switched his words around when Black Hat gave him a death stare. "-but since your zeppelin got d-destroyed, I've no place to go…"

Black Hat looked at the hotel behind him, but instead of a bulb lighting up above his head to signify an idea, an already powered bulb's light died out.

"Follow." Black Hat commanded, not taking no for an answer.

"P-praise you, lord master Black Hat, sir…" Pentious did as he was told.

They entered the hotel, where everyone was devouring the cooked insides of the egg bois. Well, everyone but Vaggie, whose plate (and I mean the eggs AND the plate) was eaten by Demencia.

"Ahem." Black Hat got their attention. "Violà! I have acquired a guest!"

"Wait, what?" Vaggie asked.

The serpent waved nervously, and as soon as Flug caught glimpse of a giant snake suddenly entering the building, he pounced into Demencia's arms, screaming "LA HOSTIA!" (HOLY SHIT!) Demencia just dropped Flug onto his back and grinned at Pentious.

Charlie gasped, instantly running up to shake Pentious's hand. "Welcome to the new and improved Black Hat Hotel, I'm Charlie! The Happy Hotel's name may have changed, but our purpose has not! We promise to rehabilitate you and allow you a safe and joyful trip to Heaven!" she was getting a little too excited, and shoved a clipboard with a piece of lined paper in his face. "If it doesn't bother you, could you sign your preferred name here so we know what to call you please?"

"Oh, I'm not here for rehabilitation." he I her, pushing the clipboard out of his face. "All I've read in the newspaper was that this was a hotel, not a rehab centre!"

"Nobody reads newspapers anymore, old timer!" Angel Dust yelled to him. "Get with the times and watch the news like everyone else!"

"B-but we're going to be-" Charlie began before Pentious cut her off.

"I don't want to be rehabilitated, and to be honest, I don't even want to be here." by the second, Vaggie was getting more pissed off. And the more pissed off she got, the quicker she sharpened her spear. (the one that wasn't secretly a snake) Right now, scientists might as well have been creating a new speed.

"...Oh." Charlie sounded heartbroken, slowly lowering the clipboard. "Are...are you sure?"

"Listen, kid, I don't want to sound rude…" he leaned in to whisper. "Especially not in a place Black Hat owns." he backed away before continuing. "But your idea is ridiculous. I'd like a room, posthaste!"

"...Okay." Charlie dropped the clipboard and went to grab a key for one of the hundreds of empty rooms.

Pentious watched her wander away slowly, feeling remorseful.

"Oh, I don't have much of a choice, do I?" Sir Pentious muttered in his mind.

"No you don't." Black Hat growled.

Pentious's eyes widened when he realised Black Hat heard his thoughts.

"Your keys, sir." Charlie was a lot less enthusiastic. "You're in room 9. You're probably staying for a maximum of 24 hours so make yourself as comfortable as possible in that time."

"No!" Pentious yelled, making Charlie jump. He desperately wanted to look good if she was a colleague of Black Hat's. "No, I've...uh...I've changed my mind."

He picked up the clipboard and dipped his tail in one of the egg yolks, using it to write 'Sir Pentious' underneath 'Angel Dust'.

"There." he gave her a smile. "I've signed up for your rehabilitation thing."

He put the clipboard down to see an expressionless Charlie.

"Um...hello?" he snapped his fingers in her face as she started twitching. "Anyone there? Did I break it?"

"What have you done?" Vaggie asked.

"Oh boy, here we go again." Angel muttered. They were both wearing soldier's helmets and ducked behind the counter, next to a confused Husk.

"Here what goes again?" Flug wondered, thinking he should probably do the same thing.

"Just...get down." Vaggie instructed, and Flug jumped over the bar to duck with them while Charlie started stuttering, fire starting to appear under her feet.

"What in the name of-" Pentious began.

Suddenly, the princess let out a cheerful scream, taking off like a rocket ship and bouncing all over the hotel as if it were a giant pinball machine.

"WHOA!" Husk yelled, grabbing a tray to protect himself, Charlie bumping into it and ricocheting into another direction.

Demencia yelped and barely avoided Charlie before taking cover behind 5.0.5. Black Hat then grabbed Sir Pentious by the throat and protected himself. (not that he needs protecting, he just wanted Pentious hurt.) Charlie slammed face first into Pentious's before continuing her destructive overreaction.

"WHAT IS GOING ON!?" Flug shouted.

"This is Charlie's celebration phase." Vaggie explained. "This is what happens when she's overexcited."

"Jeez, how many times has this happened?"

"Once." Angel sighed. "The same thing happened when I offered to join as well."

"INCOMING!" Husk pointed up, and everyone jumped out of the way before Charlie crashed behind the counter.

She suddenly got straight to her feet and clambered over the counter. "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!" Charlie exclaimed, frantically shaking the dazed Pentious's hand. "You don't know how much this means to me, you don't know how much this means to the hotel!" she shoved multiple contracts up at him. "Please sign this, this, and this to confirm to us that you want to take part in our most fun activities!"

Pentious did as he was told, signing all three contracts. Black Hat then held up a contract of his own, and because he was dazed, the snake didn't get to read it. When he signed it, his shadow disappeared into Black Hat's.

"Husky, prepare the celebration cup!" Charlie called.

"Don't call me Husky…" Husk muttered, reaching down to grab a cup bigger than him.

Flug watched in shock as Husk began pouring alcoholic drinks up to the brim of the cup.

"Just to let you know, I drink far more than this on a daily basis." Husk said, taking a quick sip of the booze before continuing to pour it in.

"This is amazing! Thank you so much!" Charlie hugged Pentious before grabbing her phone and darting out of the hotel.

Once Charlie left, everyone cautiously left their hiding places.

"Pentious, what have you done?" the serpent asked himself.

Charlie was giddy with excitement outside, quickly dialing a number she spoke to often.

"Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up, please pick up…" Charlie begged.

Her face lit up when she heard a voice on the other end. "Yes?"

"MOM!" Charlie yelled, surprised that she picked up. "Mom! Mom! You won't believe what happened today! It's great news!"

"Yes?"

"Dad sent me a partner! Black Hat, I hear he's a huge deal up on Earth! I wonder how he got a hold of the guy though, he seems intimidating to say the least-uh, anyway, I'm getting off topic. Long story short, he's given the hotel a whole new look, and I think people are going to start coming! Speaking of which, Dad was wrong! I got TWO guests now!"

"Oh?"

"Yeah! This is just the start, Mom! I promise I'll make you proud!"

"Oh, this one?"

"...Huh?" Charlie said.

"No, no." came a male voice. "Here, give it here."

"No, I've got it." Lilith grumbled, as phone buttons were heard being pressed.

"Lily." said the other voice, Charlie's father.

"I've got it, I'm doing it."

"You're making it too long-look, it's started already."

"Has it?"

Charlie was having trouble realising what was going on on the other end.

"Yes, it's already started."

"Oh. Hello, it's Lilith."

"And Lucifer."

"We can't reach you at the moment, so leave a message after the sound."

Charlie's eyes widened when she heard a beep, and then complete silence. Now knowing it was a premade message the whole time, Charlie just turned her phone off before slumping down to the ground, leaning against the door. Inside, everyone watched her silhouette, with Vaggie deciding to go outside and comfort her. Flug, however, was focused on other things.

"Something's off." he commented.

"What is?" Demencia asked.

"With Lord Black Hat. Isn't he acting strange?"

"He's always strange." Demencia gave Black Hat a loving stare. "That's what's best about him...strange and creepy…"

"No, like, he's not acting like himself." Flug explained. "Look, I understand if the devil is one of the universe's most powerful entities, but even he couldn't FORCE Black Hat to do something.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying he's decided on his own to help this girl."

Demencia suddenly grabbed Flug by the collar, threatening to punch him in the face. "YOU'RE SUGGESTING HE'S BECOMING GOOD!?"

"No! What I'm suggesting is…" he turned to Charlie, as Vaggie sat down next to her. "There's more to that girl than meets the eye."

"Big deal, she's the daughter of Lucifer."

"And if Black Hat wanted Lucifer, he would have him already. And if he had any chores to do, he would've just sent us down here."

"So what you're saying is…"

"Black Hat has big things planned. I don't know what, just big things."

Demencia thought about it for a moment. "Oh shit."

"Yeah, oh shit."

Angel looked around for a moment, while in the background, Husk pushed the barrel of liquor onto Sir Pentious, as instructed to do by Charlie. "Speaking of Mr Sharp-Tooth Steve, where is he?"

"I dunno." Flug shrugged. "He's probably off doing something important though."

At IMP HQ, Blitzo was on a phone.

"I'm sorry, IMP doesn't give refunds."

On the other side was a glowing, yellow, frustrated looking demon sat in an apartment.

"What!?" Sunblast yelled. "You're assassins! When I hire assassins, I expect the target I told you to assassinate to be assassinated!"

"And we expect you to give us the full details of our targets so we can prepare correctly." Blitzo picked up a note. "Listing 'I hate nerds!' for every question asking you to describe them isn't really helpful."

"BUT I HATE NERDS!" Sunblast screamed.

"I know, you've been telling me this nonstop since you first got in contact with us."

He looked at some text messages, and since a couple hours ago, Sunblast had sent him 'I HATE NERDS!' over and over every single minute. Just then, he sent him the same message.

"You just did it again!"

"I did not!" Sunblast lied. Thunder sounded, and after a flash of lightning, Black Hat was stood behind him.

"Is that thunder?" Blitzo asked. "There's no storms in Hell...okay look, you're not getting a refund, so stop contacting us. What kind of idiot pays assassins before they get the job done anyway?"

"I DO BECAUSE I'M SMART!" a lightning strike later and Black Hat was centimetres away from Sunblast.

"Clearly not." Blitzo quipped.

"NOW YOU LISTEN HERE, JACKASS!" Sunblast slammed his fist on the table. "YOU'RE GOING TO EITHER GIVE ME A REFUND, OR YOU'RE GOING TO KILL THAT NARCISSISTIC BASTARD!" once Black Hat heard that, lightning struck again, and Blitzo heard a bloodcurdling scream.

"Hello? Helloooo?"

Black Hat was stood in the middle of the apartment, holding Sunblast's decapitated head in his hand while his blood and body parts were scattered all over the place.

"Helloooooo?" Blitzo called.

After a while, Blitzo just hung up.

"Here's your phone back, Loona." Blitzo said.

"Don't touch it again." Loona warned him.

"Now, we need to discuss something." Blitzo turned to the others. "We had a bit of trouble last time."

"A little." Moxxie rolled his eyes.

"You can talk, Moxxie, who's the one that decided we shoot an omnipotent being with a measly sniper?" Blitzo asked.

"We've been over this!" Moxxie cried. "Besides, you wouldn't even be here blaming me if I hadn't got us free!"

Earlier, back at Black Hat's manor, the imps were playing I Spy.

"I Spy with my little eye, something beginning with M." said Blitzo.

"Is it me?" asked Moxxie, sounding annoyed.

"It is not."

"Metal?" Millie asked.

"Nope."

Back and forth, the husband and wife tried to guess the answer.

"Machine?"

"No."

"Magnet?"

"Nuh uh."

"Magnifying glass?"

"Nope."

"Magnifying lens?"

"No."

"Methamphetamine?"

"No."

"Macaroni and cheese?"

"Nooope."

"MY WILL TO LIVE IS GOING DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN."

"Not even close."

"Ooh, ooh!" Millie would've raised her hand if she could. "Is it me?"

"I already said no."

"What?" Moxxie asked. "We haven't guessed Millie yet!"

"No, it's not Millie either."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT MILLIE EITHER!?" Moxxie shouted.

"Moxxie?" Millie guessed.

"That's right!" Blitzo congratulated her. "150-0 to Millie, you're good at this! You're so clever! Moxxie, you're really lucky to have married someone like her!"

"I GUESSED THAT!"

"No, you guessed 'me' when the answer was 'Moxxie.'"

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

"No, the answer was 'Moxxie', not 'motherfucker.'"

Through sheer rage alone, Moxxie smashed through the stone to punch Blitzo in the face.

"Your method wasn't really that ideal." Back in the present, Blitzo rubbed the place where he was punched.

"It wasn't ideal, but it sure was satisfying!" Moxxie grinned.

"You punched you boss, could you at least apologize?" Millie prayed he would say yes.

"He had it coming!"

"That's...not what I wanted you to say, but okay."

"Look, let's all agree that our target was the stupid one here?" Blitzo interrupted. "He's the one that decided to leave the spellbook behind."

"Yeah, whatever…" Moxxie huffed as Millie stroked him.

Loona got a call from someone, but luckily this time it wasn't from Sunblast again.

"Head's up, we've got another client who needs our…" she used air quotes. "'incredible expertise' to deal with something."

"Yes, we should blow off some steam by being successful in killing someone!" Blitzo proposed.

Loona took the call and put it on loudspeaker.

"Hello, IMP, how may we help you?" Blitzo got a little too close to the screen.

"I've got some trouble, this creature's destroying me whole garden!" said an ugly looking demon.

"What kind of creature?" asked Moxxie. "No Gods otherwise it's an instant no."

"It's a pig!"

"A pig?" everyone sounded baffled.

"Yes, a pig!"

"But we don't kill animals." Millie pointed out. "Just humans!"

"There's a thousand bucks if you kill it, just get it away from my house!"

"First you need to tell us where your house is." Blitzo told him. "Let's start with the continent. America? Asia?"

"666 Avenue!"

"In Hell?"

"JUST GET THIS PIG AWAY!"

"Sir, this defeats the whole purpose of our business!" Moxxie tried to explain. "We're assassins who-"

"4000 BUCKS!" the ugly guy interrupted.

"-Fuck it."

They all grabbed weapons, looking ready to go before taking off towards their target.


End file.
